Below are the 12 most recent journal entries recorded in lbeautiful_one's LiveJournal:

Sunday, February 27th, 2005
2:29 pm	D's Memorial Well, soon I will be off to the Memorial, to say a final good-bye to one of the few, if not the only, friend I had in the community. I also plan to leave the community, and leave life at large. As of tomorrow, my life will be the same old dull, dreary, stupid existence it's been the last four years. Nothing will change, nothing will get better. It will just be the same, until I pass from this realm. Even if the other realm is boring and repititious, it's the same damn thing here. My dealings with people will stop also. I have found that all ends up same old same old also. And I end up looking pathetic in the end. People make promises to me and do not keep them, claim they love me, and do not, claim I am a priority and I am not. So, I will no longer listen to these words. They are meaningless. My relationships with people are meaningless. I will also no longer be writing in this journal, as enough of you have read this pathetic drivel, and need something better in your lives. I hardly write in here as it is, because generally Ihave nothing to say. I would like to thank Aime (Triana 21)for all her love and support. Thank you hon, I appreciate all you've done for me in this difficult week, even offering to go to a memorial with me where you do not even know the person, just to be supportive. Now, that's a real friend!!! Too bad I didn't meet you earlier, dear friend. Please, keep shining your light for others. Well au revoir, and good luck in all your paths of life. Most of you are talented, wonderful people. You have great futures, don't wait for opportunities, take them while you can. Good-bye and good luck. *Louis* Final entry. Current Mood: contemplative Current Music: "The End" - The Doors (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, February 26th, 2005
4:50 pm	Memorial WEll, tomorrow is the memorial for my friend. Another being who died alone in this world. Now, everyone is poring forth their grief and solicitude. Too late, everyone. Where were you, and I for that matter, when he was alive and suffering? Going on with our lives? Worrying about what to do with our hair, what to make for dinner to impress the other half, how to procure a place of notability in your favorite club, bar, social group etc?? Do not individuals outside of your general small circle of friends matter? I could go on about this for a long time, and it's been gone over and done before. So, I'll leave it, leave it to reflect on the man I knew. D was a kind, generous, loving person who always bent an ear. Always made you feel what you had to say or contribute was important. He could cause you to laugh easily, jump up and down with glee, and see the "other side" of an arguement. He was talented, thoughtful, graceful, and legendary. There are those in this world who can just walk in the room and through off "presence" without even trying. D was one of those. But, he was humble, quiet of heart and soul. Mainly, he was human, just like the rest of us. He felt pain, he felt joy, he felt anger. Just like the rest of us. But, unlike the rest of us, he is no longer here. No longer remaining on this spinning planet to see "what happens next". I'm sorry for that, oh so sorry. He was a blessing to know, and a blessing to be around. He WILL not be forgotten. So, tomorrow I will take my sorry self to the memorials, pay tribute to one of the few people who "saw" me in the scene, and leave as I came, alone and empty. D, I miss you. I really do. Believe it or not, my friend, the world has changed, once again, now that you are no longer in it. Peace, dear one. Peace and happiness to you. Till we meet again...... *Louis* Current Mood: sad Current Music: Bring Me To Life - Evanescence (Comment on this)
Monday, February 21st, 2005
9:40 pm	In Remembrance of Lord D'Drennan Well, today's news is not bright, but it has made me think a lot. A helluva lot. One of my dearest friends, one of the few people in the city of NY I consider a friend, has taken his own life. On February 14,2005, Mr. D'Drennan, ex-Regent of Society Nocturnum of Gotham, vampire extraordinaire, a great artist, and an owner of a heart of gold, ended his journey here on Earth. To what relm he has gone....no ones knows. He will be sorely missed by many in the community, definately by myself. I met D'Drennan many years ago, at Mother's, here in NYC. We became friends even then. He always treated me with the utmost respect, loving kindness, and concern. Always. Due to recent events, we were out of contact. Hence, I could not be there for him during his time of pain. Whether I could have been of assistance, who knows? I doubt it, somewhat. When someone decides to move on, nothing can stop them really. People who take their lives in all seriousness ALWAYS manage the "dirty deed". Why? They don't talk about it, they don't cry for help, they don't complain. They just - go. Over the years I have lost three friends to suicide, the most recent being D'Drennan. I used to see it as the coward's way out. Today???? Different thought. They say in life everyday things change, your life changes, your environment changes, jobs change, relationships change, YOU change. Well, yesterday (unfortunately they did not find my dear friend until yesterday - what a lonely way to go) I makred a change in myself. I have now excepted suicide. Call me insane, call me a freak, call me a coward. If you do, you do not know me, and most of you don't and never will. This man, this gentle, talented, well loved soul, took his life because he felt he had failed. His life became meaningless, empty, dreaded. Each day he awoke was one more day of emptiness spent on this spinning planet. How do I know? I read his journal, and I know my friend's heart. In the end that heart broke. Why? I guess until I see him in that new realm I will never know. Never know his last thoughts, feelings, emotions. I can only imagine these, in thinking of the man I knew and loved. He planned his death as he planned his life - hoping to succeed. And this time he did. Nothing, nothing came in between him and his wish. Call him a coward? I cannot. As much as I try. Why? BECAUSE I CAN RELATE. Okey, I'm not saying everyone who has a bad day should just end it all, THEN you are a coward. But, if life does become too empty, too lonely, too sad, and you feel you are not wanted, not loved, and maybe you are not, why not take a peaceful route?? Why not go along that road to "Never, Never Land?" We here that remain spend our lives doing our duties: going to work, school, looking after children, parents, siblings, pets, others. But, in the back of some of our minds there is an emptiness, a void, that can never be filled. By anyone. Or anything. That is what a true suicide sees. They could have, on the outside, a great persona - and usually do - a great job, life, etc. but on the inside are crying themselves to sleep on a nightly basis. Okey, some of this could be mistaken for a mental illness, but a lot of it is that we feel we are not mean't to be here and must move on. Fate has left us here, and it's up to us to take that journey. Some blame themselves for failures they see themselves responsible for, some blame themselves for others sufferings. Whatever the case, the pain becomes insurmountable, and like any pain, it must be dealt with. Deciding to take your own life is a tragedy, it is hard for others to bear, for your family and friends, if you are so blessed. For those that do not have the above, it's an easier journey. I do not think my dear friend realized, in all his pain, how many friends he did have. How many of us do and should blame ourselves for his faltering on the precipice. If we took a better look around us at others, and stopped only being concerned about ourselves and our little rowboat, suicide would not exist for people such as D'Drennan. In conclusion, because this is choking me up yet again, D'Drennan,may your path now be pain and problem free. May you realize that you were and are loved and will NEVER be forgotten, my friend, my mentor. Every word you spoke to me was true, from the heart, and everlasing. I will miss you terribly. Very very terribly. Mayhaps I will soon join you on this journey......... *Louis* Current Mood: melancholy Current Music: "Crawling" - Linkin Park (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, December 24th, 2004
8:52 pm	Heh, Figures!!!!! (smiles) Yuo are Legolas !!! you must be really lucky ! Are you Legolas, Aragon, or Merry and Pippin brought to you by Quizilla Yup, that's me!!! Heh. Merry Christmas, Happy Kwanza, Happy Hanukah,....and a great Winter Solstice to everyone out there!!! Enjoy. Love, *Louis* Current Mood: bouncy (Comment on this)
Tuesday, November 30th, 2004
11:17 pm	Men, What Else????? LOL So, what are you left with when you are dumped?? Simply this: The tears, the bitterness, the fond memories of being someone's companion for a while, the hope that you, too, would soon join the legions of others that have "the boyfriend", the great sex that you didn't have to pay for, the cuddling, the warmth. Damn it!!!!! ...and what do they have??? The new person in their lives. .....and all of the above as actual experiences,instead of just memories. Boy, am I dumb. Will I ever learn? Nope, probably not. Dumped by one who found someone "better" than I am, and given the cold shoulder by another who made you think you were special. Do I hate men? No. Just those two. (smiles) Hope everyone else is doing better than I am. Cheers *Louis* Current Mood: sad (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, October 30th, 2004
1:33 am	How To Attain Freedom Why can't I quit my job? What is my problem? Well, first of all, they are ignoring my notice, and I need my two weeks vacation pay. Plus, like a typical dumb cow human, I have this habit: Get up, go to work, torture thyself, go home unfulfilled. (shakes head). Stupid, very stupid. I had to bust my buns again this week to get my head shots done. By the end of the session,I was looking VERY tired. So,those pics were no good. I'm somewhat satisfied with my shots. But, not really. I should use a SAG photographer. James wants me to hook up with SAG,but I don't know, I'm such a Broadway baby. But, I'll try anything once. Heh. I have Equity, so switching to SAG is not supposed to be a problem. Well, AS SOON AS I QUIT MY JOB AND ALLOW MYSELF THE TIME I'll go there and see what's what. I still haven't heard from the next production, but that's good, I still feel I need the break. AND HAPPY SAMHAIN TO ALL YOU PAGAN,WICCAN AND SATANIC BEINGS OUT THERE!!!! Damn it, enjoy!!!! Well, I'm off,nothing else to say. Love to you all!!!! Louis Current Mood: mellow Current Music: Heavy Metal Weekend!!! 80's Glam rock, it's pathetic fun!! (9 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, October 5th, 2004
12:04 pm	GOOD NEWS, I'M TO BE PUBLISHED WITHIN THE NEXT YEAR GUYS!!!! AND GIRLS!!!! I DID IT!!!! BANTAM IS INTERESTED IN MY SERIES!!!!Well, maybe not as a series yet, they want to see how the first book sells. I am SO moved, so excited, so......dumbfounded. Within the next year it should be out on the shelves. Gaaaaa. I'm flabbergasted, amazed, duhhhhh. I have so many to thank, including a lot of you fellow RPers that speak to me on this journal. Without the chance to hone my skills, and practice in these writing "games" I don't think I would have been inspired enough to finish everything. And for the one or two groups out there that don't think I'm "good enough" a writer for your games???? nah nah nah nah nah nah. Well, have to get back to work :sigh:. So, thank you Danielle and Melanie. kisses to you both!!! *Louis - The Writer* (does the happy dance again) Current Mood: ecstatic (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, October 3rd, 2004
11:35 pm	RE: RPG Rant Number Two, ya, another one!!!! Okey, I am definately down to 22 groups. And what group did I quit? A friend's group!!! I cannot take this anymore. I've been emailing and talking to this individual for almost a year now. Cripes, we sent each other gifts!!! Now, she goes bananas because a plot we have going is not quite going the way she wants, so she posts a nasty OOC in regards to it. First of all, it wasn't my fault. I didn't do anything. Second of all, when I emailed her VERY NICELY she sent me back short answers, sharp answers, and didn;t even sign her name. So, I didn't even say a word, just deleted my character, their pic, and "put in my notice" as they say. What is it with humans?? Can't any of us get along, even on the damn computer???? Sheesh. I was even a bit off with someone I really like on the 'net yesterday. Sorry, Danielle. Nynaeve, I hope never to hear from you again. Nasty girl!!! I am loosing faith in people yet again. Damn!!! *Loosing Faith Louis* Current Mood: sad (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, October 2nd, 2004
12:55 am	RPG Rant Okey, I am currently on 23 RPG groups. That should satisfy me, riiiiggghhtt??? But, am I EVER satisfied??? No. Seems not. LOL. Tell you why. There is one group out there that has the best writers on it. At one time they invited me to join, but I was away and missed the audition period. So, someone else got my spot. It was offered to me to introduce an OC character, but I couldn't see a place for him, so I left it alone. Recently, my character became available. Guess what???? ONE OF THE MODS IS THE ONE AND ONLY PERSON I HATE ON RPG'S. That girl named Jade. And guess what?? She's hates me just as much. Everyone wants me on this group, but I will never get on there because Jade will conveniently throw away my audition. Why does this bother me???? Because I'm Louis, and it bothers me. On a gentler note, I am going directly from my play into audtions for another production group. ACT Productions. Gee, how individual. Heh. Seriously, they put on several skits, which are quite well written, and the actors chosen are pretty professional. I'm looking forward to this!!! But, it means, play ends October 31st, rehearsals for ACT start November 1st. (Louis slumps to the floor). Yup, I'm exhausted just thinking about it. Exhausted but happy!!! Maybe my acting career is looking up???? YESSSSSS!!!!! Love to you all *Louis* P.S. My mood is courtesy of Jade. Current Mood: frustrated (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, September 25th, 2004
10:51 pm	Lonely One Lestat is away and I am sooooo bored and lonely. That leads to depression which is not good for moi. So, I must stop this nonesense. Armand, you out there?? Claudia???? Talk to me. Bored Louis here!! Well, I caught up with all my RPG's today. I felt bad, even my own boards were like, Where did he go??? Sorry, people, my rehearsal schedule turned to Hell this week. We had to replace one of the leads, so work went overtime everynight. My part runs through my mind 24/7. Whew!! The play starts first week of October. God, I pity the new guy!!! He looks paler than me, and that is saying a lot!!! Well, on another note, dear journal. Man prob. Ya, me. Man prob. Okey, I met this guy who claims to like me oh-so-much. Okeeeeyyyy. I'll fall for it. Well, this week he shows up at rehearsal (he's not in the play) and fawns for my attention. Well, folks, guess what? I take my acting seriously, and I'm the bloody lead!!! So, I kind of was "polite smile and nod" as my mother taught me. Well, instead of waiting an extra hour for me to finish, he flounces off, with, "Well, I'm bored, I want to go to a bar and get drunk". Uh, okey. Buh bye. Sheesh. Can't a man be an artist anymore???? I swear, I'm only dating people in the arts, "normals" just DO not understand. On that note, Lestat is back, just IMed me right now!!!!! (HUGE grin) so I'm off to flirt. Au Revoir, and kisses too. *Louis* Current Mood: bouncy (6 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, September 21st, 2004
11:22 pm	Sick!!!! Oh, my. I am so ill I could die, that is if I was mortal. Why do these things always befall me?? I remain healthy for so long, then I get knocked down by some THING. Can I get a normal cold, an ordinary little sniffy cold? No, I get a horrendous, head pounding, naseating disease!!! If I had stayed mortal, I would have gotten the plague!!! Well, I took Lestat's advice and stayed off work today, I may also tomorrow. Cripes, my kidneys hurt!!! This is too much. Well, I hope everyone else feels better thanI do. I've been helping my dear Claudia get her journal going here. One big happy family!!! Much love, but no kisses, you don't want this disease!! *Louis* Current Mood: sick (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, September 19th, 2004
12:46 am	Greetings Hello, everyone (meaning you Lestat and Armand, whom I know are lurking on this thing). Nothing much going on with me, just, creating this confounded journal. :sigh: Can I not have any peace??? Really. So, what am I supposed to say here, other than more depressing thoughts on my life? Well, maybe not so depressing anymore. You see, Claudia has returned to me, and Lestat and I - well, we seem to be getting along much,much better. Extremely well, I might add. I think he may actually finally be able to say he loves me. Am I not right, Lestat?? Well, gentlemen, and ladies, if you dare. I'm going to enter this, and see if this journal works. Au Revoir *Louis* (10 Comments |Comment on this)